No one states the obvious with more hilarity than football commentators. Case in point: today, Dan Dierdorf’s dizzying intellect was in rare form. I honestly don’t know how Greg Gumbel can call the game with Dierdorf without just losing it. It’s like Dan thinks he’s some sort of prolific philospopher, bequeathing Gems of Wisdom to all of us. I’m telling you, in Greg’s shoes, I’d be laughing my fool head off. Just look at these examples from today’s Bills/Saints game:
(Fair warning: what follows is stunning, and replete with my undiluted sarcasm.)
Dan: My guy and your guy and my guy was better.
Greg: (thinking) What the hell does that even mean?
“That man is a professional football player.” Well, no kidding, genius. (Philosophers like to state the obvious.)
“If you can’t get that cleat of the turf in time that’s a sprained ankle waiting to happen.” Yup. Yer right about that. Here’s your cape, Captain.
“You are not allowed to put a helmet on that quarterback.” He really said that. Granted, I’m taking it completely out of context, but people do that all the time.
“Alonso’s a different cat. He’s kind of a free spirit.” This poetic gem was delivered in a wistful whispery tone.
“Love is hard to find on the bench after two misses if you’re a field goal kicker.” Oh Dan, looking for love on all the wrong benches…
“You better reserve a spot in the hot tub for Lewis if this game continues this way.” You’re gonna hurt yourself thinking these deep thoughts, man.
“He’s got a pretty good set of alligator arms.” Wha…? Seriously, what?? Alligators have arms? This must be some sort of philosophic secret code.
“You gotta use your head for somethin’ more than hitting other people in the head with.” This man played the game. He learned this the hard way.
“Somehow Stevie Johnson is still in this game on one-and-a-half legs.” Wow, man. Just, wow.
“If I sat down down with Michelangelo and asked him to sculpt me a defensive end, he would carve out Mario Williams.” Keep those man-crushes to yourself, Dan. Thanks.
“Obviously you don’t spend nearly enough time watching cooking shows.” Said while commentating *football*. On National Television.
“You’ve got to admire how scrappy this Buffalo team is. They might lose the game, but they are going to play all sixty minutes.” Captain Obvious tied that cape on a bit too tightly…
I love this game…and I love the commentators: all this free comedy is a total bonus. Thank God Troy is commentating this Bronco’s game. At least now I’ll be able to concentrate fully on the game.