Sitting in Chik-fil-A tonight, I asked Eric an innocent question:
“Do you have a girlfriend, son?” You’ll never believe this, (Okay, some of you will actually…) but he proceeded to catalog them for me. Here’s a partial list:
Halley is Catholic-she hit him. “I’ve kissed Halley…wait. Maybe that’s why she hit me.” (Apparently, dating Catholic women is dangerous.)
Next is Aubrey.
“What’s her religion?” I asked.
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t know? She could be-”
“She could be a Mormon! Oh God!”
(It appears religious compatibility ranks high with my young Casanova.)
Maddie is his favorite: “She’s nice *and* funny. She sounds kinds kind of weird, though.”
He’s kissed her, too. Good gracious.
“Are these girls pretty?” (He nods.) “Well, yeah! I only pick pretty girls, mom.”
The list continued: next was Kylie. She’s the most annoying one: she’s a Naggy-Maggie.
“Why do you have an annoying girlfriend?”
“I don’t know…she’s pretty?”
Allison: the bus girlfriend. She’s a bit violent: “She said if I’m not gonna be her boyfriend, she’ll claw me!” Yikes.
Up next is Lauren. Eric’s verbatim description: “She is nice. She’s a redhead. She has freckles. She’s hot: she has a spray on tan. I’ve kissed her, too.”
(Since when do nine-year-olds know about, much less actually get, spray-on-tans??)
The next girlfriend is quite mysterious: “There’s a really weird one, but I forget her name. I kissed her, too.”
Egads.
And finally, there’s Morgan: according to Eric, she has facial issues: she looks funny when she talks.
“Why are you kissing these girls?” I asked.”
“Mom! Because they’re pretty!”
I warned him of the dangers of kissing girls: “Son, you must be careful. You keep kissing them, they’re gonna wig out on you, start demanding things, and expect you to buy them a house. And if they find out you’re kissing other girls, then you’re toast.”
Heartbreaker.
He laughed, and then dashed off to the restaurant playground clutching his Chik-fil-A balloon. Ten minutes later, he was back, without it. “Mom, I need another balloon.”
“What happened to yours?”
“I gave it to a girl who lost hers.”
Charming little ladies’ man…